Hey all! As you know, I am participating in the writing clinic hosted by Sharon Bayliss and Curiosity Quills. Today, we are to post a revised query and first page in order to scare the Super Villains in hopes they will pick ME to mentor.
I'm leaving lots of candy and cookies for enticement!
Okay, here are my revisions.
Query:
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Ashton Driver is every girl’s dream with his mood ring eyes and glowing tattoos that change with every new military command. He is a skilled warrior just like his father, and he’s not afraid of anything, not even death. New orders arrive, but in spite of his bravery, his heart melts. He’s instructed to find the missing princess. Oh, she’s beautiful all right, and smart, too. The catch? She’s one hundred years old.
To prepare for his mission, Ashton must attend the Shadow Academy. He learns the head mistress is tough and fearless, and her mystical powers have more influence over him than he wants to admit. The mistress’ gorgeous daughter wants Ashton all to herself, but he pushes her aside. The mission must come first. Ashton learns the princess resides inside of a hidden castle that is tumbling in time. Even worse, he learns the Shadowy One protects the castle. Mission almost impossible says hello.
Leaving the possibility of love behind, he hunts for the princess with an unsure heart. His path crosses another on a quest, Rive Morgan, who Ashton finds mysterious, yet irresistible. When Ashton finds the princess, she refuses to be rescued, unaware Ashton will die if he doesn’t return with his new bride. Still worse, River is behind it all and Ashton must figure out why before they all end up as nothing more than a memory.
First Page:
--> River tore a piece of material from the hem of her petticoat and wrapped it around her hand, clenching the cloth between her teeth. The white linen turned red before she finished tying the knot. Her stomach tightened and for a moment she thought she would be sick. Taking in a long breath stopped the shakes in her hands. An image laced with pink swirled through her mind, yet River didn’t recognize it.
How did they find me? What am I going to do?
Staggering to her feet, River leaned against the side of the wagon. She listened for any noise, any movement. Nothing. She had to hurry, before they came back for her. No time to think, no time to waste. They would return once they knew their assassin had failed. She stared past the dried up, yellowing plants of the garden towards her house.
The shanty door swung back and forth, creaking a sad, singsong melody as if to say goodbye. Someone had been inside her makeshift home. Panic clamped down as she thought of the Memory Book.
Every muscle in River’s body throbbed, but she forced her legs to move forward. Her entire life hinged upon keeping the Memory Book safe, away from prying eyes. No one knew it existed, except the Thief Takers. They had chased her for months lusting after the powers held within its pages.
I'm leaving lots of candy and cookies for enticement!
Query:
-->
Ashton Driver wants nothing more than
to succeed with his new mission and rescue the damsel in distress.
Ashton Driver is every girl’s dream with his mood ring eyes and glowing tattoos that change with every new military command. He is a skilled warrior just like his father, and he’s not afraid of anything, not even death. New orders arrive, but in spite of his bravery, his heart melts. He’s instructed to find the missing princess. Oh, she’s beautiful all right, and smart, too. The catch? She’s one hundred years old.
To prepare for his mission, Ashton must attend the Shadow Academy. He learns the head mistress is tough and fearless, and her mystical powers have more influence over him than he wants to admit. The mistress’ gorgeous daughter wants Ashton all to herself, but he pushes her aside. The mission must come first. Ashton learns the princess resides inside of a hidden castle that is tumbling in time. Even worse, he learns the Shadowy One protects the castle. Mission almost impossible says hello.
Leaving the possibility of love behind, he hunts for the princess with an unsure heart. His path crosses another on a quest, Rive Morgan, who Ashton finds mysterious, yet irresistible. When Ashton finds the princess, she refuses to be rescued, unaware Ashton will die if he doesn’t return with his new bride. Still worse, River is behind it all and Ashton must figure out why before they all end up as nothing more than a memory.
First Page:
--> River tore a piece of material from the hem of her petticoat and wrapped it around her hand, clenching the cloth between her teeth. The white linen turned red before she finished tying the knot. Her stomach tightened and for a moment she thought she would be sick. Taking in a long breath stopped the shakes in her hands. An image laced with pink swirled through her mind, yet River didn’t recognize it.
How did they find me? What am I going to do?
Staggering to her feet, River leaned against the side of the wagon. She listened for any noise, any movement. Nothing. She had to hurry, before they came back for her. No time to think, no time to waste. They would return once they knew their assassin had failed. She stared past the dried up, yellowing plants of the garden towards her house.
The shanty door swung back and forth, creaking a sad, singsong melody as if to say goodbye. Someone had been inside her makeshift home. Panic clamped down as she thought of the Memory Book.
Every muscle in River’s body throbbed, but she forced her legs to move forward. Her entire life hinged upon keeping the Memory Book safe, away from prying eyes. No one knew it existed, except the Thief Takers. They had chased her for months lusting after the powers held within its pages.
Wow! I love what you wrote~ More please ;D
ReplyDeleteLove it! Wishing you luck!
ReplyDelete