The Writers Voice Entry

How excited am I? Can't you hear me laughing and squeeing, right there where you are?

Yep! I'm excited! I made it tot he first round of the Writers Voice!! So today, I've posted my entry, here int his blog post, for the coaches to come around and read and decide if I'm ready to move on to the next round. Keep your fingers crossed for me PLEASE:)

The entry I'm posting as went through numerous rounds of edits and revisions to get it where it is already. I've cut, squeezed, rearranged and replaced so much, I think my brain is on fire! I've changed names, combined characters, cut characters, and I've changed titles a couple of times and agonized over my genre until I cried. I've put the first three chapters through a couple of workshops and had feedback from a few agents, so I'm sure I've got the results I wanted. (I can be honest, can't I?) So, here we go, you beautiful guys and dolls.

Feel free to leave any comments that might help improve my entry. Thank you so much!

 Query:

PRETEND YA Thriller, 54,000 words


-->
Pretending to be someone else has its ups and downs. Seventeen-year-old Prism Chase thought it would be exciting, but when the game turns deadly, Prism has exactly forty-eight hours to come clean about who she really is. Her charades must stop or people are gonna die.

After she witnesses the murder of a government official, Prism is taken into the witness protection program. Still scared she isn’t safe, she comes up with a brilliant plan: secretly switch places with another girl in the program who is on the run from a crazed bounty hunter. Instead of hiding, though, Prism stepped right into the hands of the man who murdered the official.

As hours dwindle, Prism must figure out how to hide from the enemy, who is playing the part of protector, who thinks she is someone else. Deeper secrets surface when Prism discovers her fake hideout, Stony Hill Priory, is the battlegrounds for a pending war of an ancient prophecy. And the girl she swapped places with is the reason for the battle. Now, Prism must prove she’s not the pretend girl, but in so doing, she risks not only her life, but the life of the girl she traded identities with, who has secrets of her own.

First 250 words: 

My stomach knotted and my heart thumped with an irregular pattern. This is not the way I envisioned my first week, already summoned to the office. I should be happy my mom said. Instead, I gripped the gold plated chair arm and let the cold ride up my arm inch by inch.

One glance out the office window and I knew why I wasn't happy. The perfect storm dumped massive amounts of rain. Black clouds pushed the wispy white out of the way, which helped to illuminate the streaks of lightning that fell from the sky.

The spiral-topped concrete buildings sprawled across the valley below, drenched and soaked with water. The bell tower sagged under the weight as the water accumulated on the roof.

The mirror image of prison camp.

Thunder boomed and the windows rattled but I told myself that’s not why I jumped, even though I wanted to crawl under the chairs and disappear as magically as the lightning.

I walked to the window, mesmerized with the rain splatter on the glass. I traced the droplets and guessed which way they’d slide and disappear into a puddle on the outside sill. Today, I wished I could be a raindrop and blend in with the droplets slipping into the pool of rain. I wiped the tear that tickled down my cheek and watched as the sprinkles outside slid away with my tears.

“Miss Chase?” said a voice from behind. “Hello. I’m Mrs. Tolson.”

So much for my disappearance.