Monday, October 8, 2012

THe Haunted Writing Clinic

Hopefully, this will be the last one! #5 woo hoo! according to word document, passive voice is gone....:) Another option for title, coming from Ashtons's POV: Shadow Castle
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Ashton Driver wants nothing more than to succeed with his new mission and rescue the damsel in distress.

Ashton Driver is every girl’s dream with his mood ring eyes and glowing tattoos that change with every new military command. He is a skilled warrior just like his father, and he’s not afraid of anything, not even death. New orders arrive, but in spite of his bravery, his heart melts. He’s instructed to find the missing princess. Oh, she’s beautiful all right, and smart, too. The catch? She’s one hundred years old.

To prepare for his mission, Ashton must attend the Shadow Academy. He learns the head mistress is tough and fearless, and her mystical powers have more influence over him than he wants to admit. The mistress’ gorgeous daughter wants Ashton all to herself, but he pushes her aside. The mission must come first. Ashton learns the princess resides inside of a hidden castle that is tumbling in time. Even worse, he learns the Shadowy One protects the castle. Mission almost impossible says hello.

Leaving the possibility of love behind, he hunts for the princess with an unsure heart. She's easier to find than expected. Rewarded by his efforts, Ashton finds a much awaited surprise. Years of beauty sleep turned the princess into an exquisite masterpiece. If Ashton chooses love, he will reign as the most powerful prince of the land. But first, he must defeat the mistress in a duel of death.


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REVISE #3 (now 4, after fixing. Again) 
Okay, I have totally rewrote my query. It's told from the POV of the male MC. What do you think?
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Ashton Driver wants nothing more than to succeed his new mission. If he wins, he gets the girl he’s sent to rescue.

He’s every girl's dream, with mood ring eyes and glowing tattoos on his palm that changes with every new military command. Ashton is a skilled warrior, just like his father, but when orders arrive with instructions to find the missing princess, his heart melts. She’s beautiful. She’s smart. She’s one hundred years old. Even worse, she’s lost somewhere in time in a hidden castle. A castle that’s protected by the Shadowy One. Mission impossible says hello. 

To prepare for his destiny, he’s sent to the Shadow Academy. The head mistress, Skye, is tough and fearless. And her gorgeous daughter falls in love with him. Skye's mystical powers have more influence over him then Ashton wants to admit. He thinks he is in love, but knows his mission must come first. Ashton sets off to hunt for the princess unsure of where his heart stands.

The princess is easier to find then Ashton thought. His efforts are rewarded with a surprise. One hundred years of beauty sleep did the princess good. If Ashton chooses her, he reigns as a prince. But he’ll have to defeat Skye in a dual to death before he can marry.

*******


It's today! It starts today and I'm so excited. I hope this will be absolutely the best, the most amazing writing clinic EVER! Why? Because, this week we are to post our query letter and will be visited by some amazing pros in the writing the business:) They will be leaving comments and suggestions on how to improve your query.

PLUS, the other members of the clinic will also be leaving comments and suggestions! YAY!!

REVISE!!
So, what do you think? I was planning to scrap this query and start over, but I thought I would try the "tightening up" thing first. I'm not for sure if I like this one or not...

On her sixteenth birthday, River Morgan’s grandfather presented her with the gift of erasing memories. He gave her an animated Memory Book, a jewel-studded quill, and taught her how to rid others of their tormented past. The memories are stored in her diary for safe keeping. When the Book is stolen and her grandfather mysteriously disappears, River can no longer tell the difference between her memories and those she’s wiped away.

River finds it in the hands of Shae Conniers, who thought she’d swiped a cool looking journal. River can tell Shae is intrigued with the living pages, but when sinister nightmares begin to swirl through Shae’s mind, she turns to River for help. Their personalities clash. Big time. But if they want to fight the powers of the Book and take back their true memories, they’ll have to work together.

Someone else is after the Memory Book and they will stop at nothing to get it. When River learns they’re looking for Shae, too, it’s up to River to protect Shae and find out who is after Shae and why they want her. She knows some memories you want to live over and over again, but others are best forgotten. If she doesn’t work fast, her identity will be lost forever.
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So much help and advice this week, there's no way I will end this week in a negative vibe!

Many of you have already read this query, so I am sorry if you have. I plan to post every day about all the wonderful information I learn this week, so keep coming back every day for the updates and info.

One last thing. I have again considered the name of my manuscript, MEMORIES OF ME, and the thought of the title change. While reading through it and double checking for typos, the thought occurred to me that another title may be a better fit. So I am asking you, my dear readers, for your advice:

MEMORIES OF ME

or

THE MEMORY KEEPER


Query:

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On her sixteenth birthday, River Morgan’s grandfather presented her with the gift of erasing memories. He gave her an animated Memory Book, a jewel-studded feather quill, and taught her how to rid others of their tormented past. The memories come alive through River and the only way to control them is by writing them in the Book. When the Book is stolen and her grandfather mysteriously disappears in a cloud of memory dust, River can no longer tell the difference between her memories and those she’s wiped away.

River finds the Book in the hands of Shae Conniers, who thought she’d swiped a cool looking journal. River can tell Shae is intrigued with the Book, but when sinister nightmares begin to swirl through Shae’s mind, she turns to River for help. Their personalities clash. Big time. But if they want to fight the powers of the Book and take back their true memories, they’ll have to work together.

Someone else is after the Memory Book and they will stop at nothing to get it. When River learns they’re looking for Shae, too, it’s up to River to protect Shae while struggling to find her own memories. She knows some memories you want to live over and over again, but others are best forgotten. If she doesn’t work fast, her identity will be lost forever.

Memories Of Me is a YA Historical Fantasy mash-up of Sleeping Beauty and the Celtic Myth, The Shadowy One, and is complete at 70,000 words. 

Visit Sharon's Blog for a list of Super Villains who have agreed to help us minions!

35 comments:

  1. I like The Memory Keeper best, but does it fit best with the storyline?
    Yeah, I'm the worst when it comes to titles.

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    1. Ooo! I love coming up with titles. I like the creativity involved!

      Delete
  2. I think "The Memory Keeper" is taken?! What about something with the River, in the title?!
    I am so excited for you! I'll be by to hear more-so exciting!:D A River of Memories or Quill's Dream
    ??! I love the story-it sounds amazing! :D

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    1. I love both of those ideas. Both sound perfect so decisions, decisions.
      Thanks Ella! I appreciate the suggestions.

      Delete
  3. I like THE MEMORY KEEPER too. Titles are so hard. Only thing I can suggest is to do a search on Amazon or Google for it. Still, your title could be published tomorrow and you'd think, but I checked. I think as a working Title it's perfect, if you place it, they may want to change it. I'm going on and on about the title because I'm a dunce when it comes to queries. I'm learning as I go, and because of your post I finally got mine posted. I planned to do this and then conveniently forgot all about it. Thank goodness we have this week to get things together. I've read and re-read your query and all I can say is -- I want to read the book.
    Just read Ella's post -- A River of Memories, hmmm...see, I'm a lot of help. :)

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for the advice! And, I'm on my over to take a look at yours!

      Delete
  4. I'm actually torn between which of those titles would fit better. Both have a bit going for them, but The Memory Keeper feels a little distant whereas Memories of Me feels a little ... light. Do you get my meaning?

    Now the query.
    Most of it looks good, but there are a few things that make me pause:
    'jewel-studded feather quill' - I sort of automatically think of the feather when I read quill, so maybe cut that bit.
    'her grandfather mysteriously disappears in a cloud of memory dust' - the memory dust confuses me more than if he just mysteriously disappears and has me wondering if it's like fairy dust.

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  5. I like Yolanda's suggestion: A River of Memories !!

    Your query is nice! Feels..wordy? Or is that just me? NOw my brother in law's agent once told me the first line should be the one that grabs attention.

    On her sixteenth birthday, River Morgan’s grandfather presented her with the gift of erasing memories. <~ I would put the sixteenth birthday AFTER "gift of erasing memories", because the gift is the hook :) He gave her an animated Memory Book, a jewel-studded feather quill, and taught her how to rid others of their tormented past. The memories come alive through River and the only way to control them is by writing them in the Book. When the Book is stolen and her grandfather mysteriously disappears in a cloud of memory dust, River can no longer tell the difference between her memories and those she’s wiped away. <~ My mind wandered a teeny bit after the first sentence.

    The rest looks pretty good :)

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  6. I agree. you could bring this down to a couple of paragraphs. One more suggestion, you don't need to be mysterious about the antagonist. Go ahead and reveal the mystery. Editors want the whole picture. Your voice is in here. Just trust it. Instead of trying to sound like other blurbs, make it all your own.

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  7. Good morning! In skimming over the other comments I think I will probably be repeating some stuff but here it goes. On the title...oh how I can relate! I am constantly changing the title of my manuscript. I would google Memory Keeper because I think it has already be used. And Memories of Me...well in reading your query I am not sure I think it fits. It makes it sound more like the book is about her memories and I was thinking it was about others memories and her keeping them. I know I was supposed to choose one but maybe just MEMORIES?
    On to your letter..
    I would get rid of the jewel studded feather quill and just use jeweled quilll or something shorter. You are using a lot of words there and not getting much punch out of them. Also agree to just say the grandfather disappeared. I also was confused about the animated part. I wonder if it would be better to leave that out since it can't be explained at this pt. and it is kind of confusing.
    Second paragraph. maybe tell us who Shae is, for example classmate Shae Conniers. Gives us an idea if she is gifted or just a normal human. I would take out Rivers can tell Shae is intrigued because you can't tells how she knows this. Just say Shae is intrigued by the book, but.....
    This last paragraph is not as strong as the first two. Don't use someone, tell us who. The second sentence is awkward to me. Maybe don't use Shae's name twice? Then the next sentence seems like you saw your word count and said Yikes I need to end here. Hee Hee. I would try to combine this entire last paragraph into one idea...someone is looking for them and river not only has to find her on memories but protect shae before her thoughts are lost forever. Something more concise.

    Take everything with a grain of salt. Obviously I am not an expert since my query is up for review. :) Sounds like a great idea. Wish you the best.

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  8. I am intrigued by the plot, but found I had to read a few sentences more than once to gain the meaning. And, I think the reason behind having this unique ability deserves its own sentence. You mentioned River helps to rid people of their tormented past which led me to wonder about the nature of the gift. Why does she have this ability? Is it something unique to her family? The strongest sentence of the query is your final sentence. It's simple, but has a real sense of urgency to it!

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  9. Glad you are participating!

    Just a few pointers:
    1. I have to agree with the commenter above about "feather quill". I would take out feather.

    2. "When the Book is stolen and her grandfather mysteriously disappears in a cloud of memory dust, River can no longer tell the difference between her memories and those she’s wiped away." - This sentence is very wordy to me. We learn a lot here. Her grandfather disappeared, the book is stolen, and she can't differentiate between her memories and others. I would try to break this up somehow. Does all of these events correlate with the missing book?

    3. The memories come alive through River and the only way to control them is by writing (them) in the Book.
    -You can take the second "them" out to get rid of some wordiness.

    I think if some of the sentences were tightened up you would have a very strong query. Good luck! Looking forward to the upcoming weeks!

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  10. First of all, thank you for stopping by my post. I wanted to give you a thoughtful critique that’s why I’m only now replying.

    I remember this query from GUTGAA... I thought it had an interesting premise, and now it’s shown more clearly. You’ve come a long way. There are, however, a few things that you might want to reconsider. Here are my suggestions (I promise I’m not shouting at you. It’s just easier to use capitals to separate my comments from your original query:D)

    On her sixteenth birthday, River Morgan’s grandfather presented her with the gift of erasing memories. He gave her an animated Memory Book, a jewel-studded feather quill, and taught her how to rid others of their tormented past. The memories come alive through River and the only way to control them is by writing them in the Book. When the Book is stolen and her grandfather mysteriously disappears in a cloud of memory dust [WHAT IS MEMORY DUST], River can no longer tell the difference between her memories and those she’s wiped away. [NICE]

    River finds the Book in the hands of Shae Conniers, who thought she’d swiped [CAN YOU THINK OF ANOTHER VERB INSTEAD OF “SWIPED”? IT’S A BIT CONFUSING] a cool looking journal. [ALSO, FROM THE DESCRIPTION YOU GAVE ABOVE OF THE BOOK, HOW CAN SHAE CONFUSE IT WITH A JOURNAL? I MEAN.. IF IT’S ANIMATED... IS IT A LA River can tell Shae is intrigued with the Book, but when sinister nightmares begin to swirl through Shae’s mind, she turns to River for help. Their personalities clash. Big time. But if they want to fight the powers of the Book and take back their true memories, they’ll have to work together. [HERE I THINK YOU COULD BE A LITTLE MORE SPECIFIC. THIS PARAGRAPH LEFT ME WONDERING ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THEM, AND IF IT’S AS IMPORTANT TO YOUR STORY AS I THINK YOU SUGGESTED, YOU MIGHT WANT TO EXPLAIN A BIT MORE]

    Someone else [WHO ELSE? DO THEY KNOW WHO THIS PERSON IS, OR IS IT A MYSTERY THEY HAVE TO UNRAVEL?] is after the Memory Book and they will stop at nothing to get it. When River learns they’re looking for Shae [WHY ARE THEY LOOKING FOR SHAE TOO? I THOUGHT RIVER WAS THE KEEPER], too, it’s up to River to protect Shae while struggling to find her own memories. She knows some memories you want to live over and over again, but others are best forgotten. If she doesn’t work fast, her identity will be lost forever. [I THINK YOU WOULD DO BETTER WITHOUT BEING TOO VAGUE. I GOT CONFUSED READING THE SECOND TO LAST SENTENCE HERE.]

    Anyway, best of luck :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Okay, FIRST, I love the Fall theme on your site. :-) Pretty! Second, I like the premise of this.

    Now, my critique of your query is more fundamental and not so much a line by line item. Queries are supposed to be written in present tense, and your first two lines are past tense, introducing items out of backstory. This is a huge slow down of your query pace and needs to be addressed.

    Your second issue is repetitive use of the word "book". You use it seven times within three paragraphs. This is a turn off to readers.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I am probably repeating a lot of what was already said, but I do better making my own comments in the query. So I am stealing the brackets idea and getting to work!

    On her sixteenth birthday, River Morgan’s grandfather presented her with the gift of erasing memories. [I actually like this sentence as is. It tells us her age, hints that it is an ability passed down through the family, and hooks us in with this really cool ability.] He gave her an animated Memory Book, a jewel-studded feather quill, and taught her how to rid others of their tormented past. The memories come alive through River and the only way to control them is by writing them in the Book. [I think the laundry list of items involved is a bit unnecessary and distracting. You can combine these two sentences by saying something like "He gives her a jeweled quill and an animated Memory Book, instructing her on how to control the memories she rids people of by writing them down." Only maybe more condensed and less rambly than what I just put hehe] When the Book is stolen and her grandfather mysteriously disappears in a cloud of memory dust [agree to cut the memory dust], River can no longer tell the difference between her memories and those she’s wiped away. [Definite "Oooh!" moment here!]

    River finds the Book in the hands of Shae Conniers, who thought she’d swiped a cool looking journal. River can tell Shae is intrigued with the Book, but when sinister nightmares begin to swirl through Shae’s mind, she turns to River for help. [You can probably combine these two ideas as well: "River finds the book in the hands of (classmate?) Shae Conniers, who thought she'd taken a cool looking journal but is not plagued with sinister nightmares."] Their personalities clash. Big time. But if they want to fight the powers of the Book and take back their true memories, they’ll have to work together.

    Someone else is after the Memory Book and they will stop at nothing to get it. [Be more specific on who] When River learns they’re looking for Shae, too, it’s up to River to protect Shae while struggling to find her own memories. She knows some memories you want to live over and over again, but others are best forgotten. If she doesn’t work fast, her identity will be lost forever. [This last paragraph jumps around a bit and I think overstresses the dire circumstances. Focus on A) Who is after the book and Shae, B) What River must do in order to protect them both and what she is struggling against (i.e. losing her identity), and C) the hook ending. The "Dun-dun-dunnn" moment if you will.]

    I love the premise here. I think if you tighten up the sentences throughout and smooth out that last paragraph, you will be set. The voice is already in the query and the hook is definitely there. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  13. You already have so many wonderful comments! So I'll keep it short. Like others have said, I think your best bet is to simplify this as much as possible. You have some complex fantasy concepts, so you'll need to keep it as bare bones as possible so we don't get lost in it.

    I don't really understand this line,
    "The memories come alive through River and the only way to control them is by writing them in the Book."

    How do they come alive?

    The length is okay as is, but perhaps you could try cutting about 50 words to see what happens.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Talynn:

    I'm no good at this, but this is what I've envisioned. Please feel free to ignore all of it, but after all your help. I had to try. Mostly, I took out the contractions, don't ask me why. Tried to tighten, but don't know the story well enough to make real changes. Good luck! Did notice the passive voice, something I was called on. Again, good luck, you're almost there!
    Maybe I should have just sent, chocolate and wine. :)

    On her sixteenth birthday, River Morgan’s grandfather presented her with the gift of erasing memories. He gave her an animated Memory Book, a jewel-studded quill, and taught her how to rid others of their tormented past. Erased memories are stored in the diary for safe keeping. A stolen book, the disappearance of her grandfather, and muddled memories leave River with a real mystery.

    River finds it in the hands of Shae Conniers, who thought she had swiped a personal journal. Intrigued with the living pages but haunted by nightmares, Shaw turns to River for help. Even though their personalities clash, they fight the powers of the Book together to take back their true memories

    Someone else is after the Memory Book and they will stop at nothing to get it. River must protect Shae and uncover the mystery of who and why. If she does not work fast, her identity will be lost forever. River learns that sometimes you want to live some memories over and over again, but that others are best forgotten.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Talynn,

    Sorry, I was outside all day weatherizing the house. Thanks for letting me know, the debate has me riveted--NOT! Although I am watching it.

    I hope this helps. I did notice the passivity, I got called on it. Just a warning, but it may be that all the sentences I wrote are where it's located. :)


    Ashton Driver wants nothing more than to succeed his new mission. If he wins, he gets the girl he’s sent to rescue.

    He’s every girls (girl’s) dream, with mood ring eyes and glowing tattoos on his plam palm that changes with every new military command. Ashton is a skilled warrior, just like his father, but when orders arrive with instructions to find the missing princess, his heart melts. She’s beautiful. She’s smart. She’s one hundred years old. Even worse, she’s lost somewhere in time in a hidden castle. A castle that’s protected by the Shadowy One. Mission impossible has a new meaning.

    While Ashton prepares for his destiny, he’s sent to the Shadow Academy. (Ashton prepares for his destiny at the Shadow Academy.) The head mistress, Skye, is tough and fearless. And she has a beautiful daughter who falls in love with him. (He meets the beautiful daughter of the head mistress and she falls for him) Her mystical powers (whose mystical powers) have more influence over him then Ashton wants to admit. He thinks he is in love, but knows his mission must come first. Ashton sets off to hunt for the princess unsure of where his heart stands. (Ashton knows his mission and sets off to hunt for the princess unsure of his heart.)

    The princess is easier to find then Ashton thought. His efforts are rewarded with a surprise. One hundred years of beauty sleep did the princess good. If Ashton chooses her, he reigns as a prince. But he’ll have to defeat Skye (he has to defeat the head mistress?) in a dual to death before he can marry.

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    Replies
    1. In agreement as to the last chapter. That he suddenly has to battle Skye sort of had me wondering what was going on.

      Other than that, I liked it.

      Delete
    2. He does battle the head mistress, Skye. They have a HUGE battle, one-on-one. I'm not saying who wins:)
      I never said the Skye was a good gal.

      Delete
  16. Here are my suggestions. I hope they help! BTW I like this version much better than the others. It is more interesting and reads stronger.

    Ashton Driver wants nothing more than to succeed (with) his new mission. If he wins, he gets the girl he’s sent to rescue. [this second sentence reads awkward to me, why not combine the two?]

    He’s [Ashton Driver is] every girl's dream, with mood ring eyes and glowing tattoos on his palm that change[s - cut this S] with every new military command. Being a skilled warrior, just like his father, is not easy. When orders arrive with instructions to find the missing princess, his heart melts.

    [changed the previous two sentences. Watch how you construct your sentences. They each seem to start with he/she or something like it. I have tried to reword some of them so they aren't so repetitive]

    She’s beautiful. She’s smart. She’s one hundred years old. [why not combine these to get rid of wordiness?}
    [The princess is beautiful, smart, and one hundred years old]

    Even worse, she’s lost [somewhere --this word can be cut] in time [inside of] a hidden castle. A castle that’s protected by the Shadowy One.

    [why not combine these two sentences? like this---]

    [Even worse, she is lost in time inside of a hidden castle that is protected by the Shadowy One.]


    Mission impossible says hello.

    To prepare for his destiny, [he’s --cut this word and add Ashton and cut your contractions. It reads better without them] is sent to the Shadow Academy. The head mistress [, Skye, --why not cut her name?] is tough and fearless. And her gorgeous daughter falls in love with him.

    [combine these sentences?]
    [The head mistress is tough, fearless, and her gorgeous daughter falls in love with him]

    Skye's mystical powers have more influence over [him --omit] Ashton then [Ashton --omit] he wants to admit. He thinks he is in love, but [knows --omit] his mission must come first. Ashton sets off to hunt for the princess unsure of where his heart stands.

    The princess is easier to find then [shouldnt this be than?] [Ashton thought --omit] previously expected. His efforts are rewarded with a surprise [what kind of surprise?]. One hundred years of beauty sleep [did wonders for the princess] did the princess good. If Ashton chooses the princess, he will reign [as a prince --why not give us some sort of descriptive here. reign as the most powerful prince of the land..or something] But to marry, he [will have to<--omit] must defeat [Skye --omit] the Mistress in a dual to [should this be 'of'?] death.

    ReplyDelete
  17. This is what I would change it to read like.

    Ashton Driver wants nothing more than to succeed with his new mission of rescuing a damsel in distress.

    Ashton Driver is every girl’s dream¬ with his mood ring eyes and glowing tattoos that change with every new military commands. Being a skilled warrior like his father is not easy. When new orders arrive, his heart melts when he learns he must find the –beautiful, smart, and one hundred year old¬– missing princess. Finding her will be a daunting task.

    To prepare for his mission, Ashton must attend the Shadow Academy. He learns the head mistress is tough and fearless, and her mystical powers have more influence over him than he wants to admit. Ashton believes he is in love with her gorgeous daughter, but pushes her aside. The mission is more important and must come first. Ashton learns the princess resides inside of a hidden castle that is tumbling in time. To make the rescue operation more difficult, he learns the Shadowy One protects the castle. Mission almost impossible says hello.

    Leaving the possibility of love behind, he hunts for the princess with an unsure heart and destiny. But the princess is easier to find than previously expected. Rewarded by his efforts, Ashton finds a beautiful and much awaited surprise. If Ashton chooses love, he will reign as the most powerful prince of the land; but before he can marry, he must defeat the Mistress in a dual of death.


    Hopefully this all makes sense. Its 4am and I haven't went to sleepy yet...LOL!!! Yes, I am crazy!

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    1. and commands should say command. Sigh. Goodnighty! LOL!

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    2. I really like these suggestions and will most definitely work this into my query:) I feel honored you worked so hard to help me out:) I went to sleep not long before you did, so I guess we both are crazy like that:)

      Delete
    3. Oh yes! Crazy, crazy! lol. I still can't get over the fact that this is the same query. You did such a great job. With a couple more tweaks, I think you'll have a winner!!!

      Main thing to work on: Wordiness and also watch your passive voice. I forgot to point that out last night... I use to have a horrible problem with it, it was one of my BIGGEST weaknesses. You want it to read "active" because it makes your sentences strong.

      Passive sentences:
      A castle that is protected by the Shadowy One.
      His efforts are rewarded with a surprise.

      You also say he is sent to the shadowy academy. Keep it present tense, he must attend or enroll, or any of those will work :)

      Delete
  18. This is the same book? Wow!

    I think you can reword just a tad bit, some of the above suggestions are wonderful. Your voice shines in this query. A little tweaking and I think you'll have it!

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    Replies
    1. Hi TJ! Yes, it's the same book:) My manuscript is a mash-up of Sleeping Beauty and a Celtic Myth entitles The Shadowy One. So this MC is the stronger part of the Shadowy One...

      Delete
  19. I feel a bit late in the game replying now...sorry it's been a busy day! I agree with many of Courtney's observations. I also borrowed Sharon Bayliss' template when I constructed my latest query. It only has six components which simplified things for me. Here is the link if you haven't checked it out yet: http://sharonbayliss.blogspot.com/2012/10/the-query-formula.html
    I found this query much more engaging than the previous attempt. I do agree there was some wordiness, but that's only an issue because it is a query and you have limited space to make an impact. It was an interesting read and my curiosity was piqued. I felt that there was so much going on in my work I couldn't describe it in under 250 words. And, in the end I didn't. I left some big details and pivotal characters out of the query. Hopefully, some future agent will be delighted to meet them! I applaud the strides you've made with this query.

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    1. Oh, yeah, I've seen Sharon's template and tucked it away for safe keeping:)

      Thanks for the scissor reminder to cut out my wordiness...I'm working on it:)

      Delete
  20. I think that the memory book query is definitely the best version I've seen of it. Much clearer than the first one I saw awhile ago. I think on Write On? So great job on that.

    And, personally, I love The Memory Keeper as a title!

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    Replies
    1. Yes, I posted on Write on! But more recently on GUTGAA. You've critiqued it before!

      Delete
  21. Great job! Commands should be command.

    Also, maybe change 'princess' in this sentence to 'she' just so princess isn't said so much :)

    "But the princess is easier to find..."

    You are kicking query ass! :)

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    Replies
    1. Okay, fixed:) Plus a couple of other minor mistakes:)
      Woo hoo!

      Delete
  22. I like the Shadow Academy title better. I like this query better, too (#5). Without losing voice you can cut a few extraneous details, like about his father, to trim just a bit and be golden.

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