Sunday, September 30, 2012

GUTGAA Pitch #5 IMMORTAL DILEMMA

IMMORTAL DILEMMA
New Adult Paranormal Urban Fantasy
78,000 words

Query:
Tristan Trevosier had it all.  He was the son of two pop culture icons.    He was the only thing that could save a struggling Las Vegas real estate empire, but the life he knew had to be taken from him to do it.  Now Tristan is big business in his own right.   His band, Immortal Dilemma, is in residence on the Las Vegas Strip and his vampire reality show is on constant repeat.  His new found fame only feeds his penchant for excess and indiscretion now that there are no mortal consequences.

Eighteen year old hippie island girl Callie has no reason to question why everyone in her family tried to keep her away from her first love, Tristan. She’s used to being overprotected. Despite their objections, Callie has enrolled at Las Vegas State to reconnect with him.  

Blade had a taste of the vampire rock scene and wanted nothing to do with it.  He is everything that Callie wishes Tristan was and she begins to want him more and more.

Thanks to a supernatural force called Bloodlust, Callie can’t just walk away from Tristan. Tristan is struggling with his own addictions, and Callie is one of them.

Now Callie must weave her way through a world she had no idea existed: a stream of insatiable groupies, paparazzi, and wild after show parties to find her place somewhere between what she’s found with Blade and Tristan’s new afterlife.  

First 150:
All I could see through my haze was blonde hair.  Even though I knew that what I was seeing and what was actually there were two different things, I didn’t care.  I just wanted the pain to go away.  

My post show ritual was always the same.  A drink, a line, a girl.  Usually in that order, but it didn’t matter.  It didn’t matter what or who they were, either.  Tonight, I already took care of the first two.  This chick had my attention.  She smelled like fresh air, sunshine…familiar.  

“I can make you a star in your own right, Tristan,” she whispered in my ear as she ran her hand lightly down my chest.  Her fingers were cool to the touch.   I shuddered.
I closed my eyes, moaning as she nibbled at my neck.  I was sick of being billed as my father’s son.  But what could this girl offer that my father couldn’t? 

6 comments:

  1. Really, really enjoyed this! Vampires?! Rockstars?! I mean you just can't go wrong there. Your first 150 were smokin.' I want to know what happens next to Tristan. What will this girl offer him??? Awesome job here!

    You've got my vote!!!

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  2. I think you have a great concept here. The query, in my opinion, is pretty vague. I'm assuming it's written with the different POVs. I'm assuming Tristan's not mortal. Callie is after him, meets Blade and everything goes to hell. The problem is that it leaves me assuming too much with no concrete info on character and plot. I'm not sure where you're headed with this. I did enjoy the snippet.

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  3. I agree with the Purple Pixie! Vampires + Rockstars = Win. My only suggestion is to transition into the paragraph introducing Blade a bit better. How does Callie meet him? Is he part of Tristan's band? I love that it is told from Tristan's POV, by the way. I want to go read The Vampire Lestat again now!

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  4. A love triangle. Very interesting. I like the setting of Vegas. Gives it a sort of edgy feel. What this query really needs is focus. It looks like you might be having this story in three alternating POV? Blade, Tristan and Callie? No matter the case, you should write this query from one POV. We only have 250 words to fall in the love with a character and a story. Use them for only one character. I would write the query from Tristan’s POV since that’s who the story opens with.

    Now, the excerpt I like. I like the voice. I like the feel I get from the setting. I’m interested in learning more about this guy. And the last bit about his father is very intriguing.

    Rewrite the query so that it’s only from Tristan’s POV. Pick his biggest conflict and develop it around that. Adding in some little bits about this Las Vegas setting would help too. Do this and your entry will do well I’m sure.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm leaving comments and then returning with my votes.

    You have two interesting concepts merging in your entry--rock stars and vampires. It sounds dark and fantastic. However, I'm not thrilled with the three person query no matter how many POV's the story uses. You need to center on one character and focus on describing the other characters through their eyes. Seems like Callie is the main since you give her motivations and the last paragraph focuses on her.

    Also you mention 'real estate empire' in the opening paragraph, and I thought the plot would focus on that, but it never returns to the mix. I don't get Tristan's motivation from the query. What does he want? By focusing only on Callie in the query, you don't have to worry about explaining Tristan's motivation. Focusing on one person would actually make the query easier for you.

    The First 150 has a lot of emotion. Despite the shortness, I really get a sense of voice. Unfortunately the other thing that jumped out at me from your sample was the reliance on 'was/were' verbs. Change those out for stronger, more active verbs and this would be killer.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thanks for all the feedback! Based on the comments I've received, here are my revisions:

    Immortal Dilemma
    NA Paranormal Romance
    78,000 words

    Pitch:
    Immortal Dilemma is the hottest band in the Las Vegas vampire rock scene. These vampires draw insatiable fans from around the globe thanks to a supernatural attraction called Bloodlust. Tristan Trevosier craved such an opportunity to fill his empty mortal life, and now he has eternity to earn his place along the legends of rock n roll debauchery.

    Blade Bennett came to Las Vegas looking for excitement and he found it with Immortal Dilemma. After having a taste of what the vampire scene had to offer, he turned down their offer and chose a normal, mortal life. But Blade can’t get away from the scene or Immortal Dilemma.

    Callie Chabot-Wilkes could never get her first love, Tristan, off her mind. It had been four years since he walked away from her. She defies her overprotective family and enrolls in Las Vegas State to reconnect with him. She is determined to make the best of this unexpected situation and braces herself to weave her way through a world she had no idea existed. Callie always knew that Tristan’s excesses would get him into trouble, but she never thought they’d lead him to immortality. Tristan still struggles with his mortal addictions, and once he sees Callie again, she becomes one of them.

    Blade is everything that Callie wishes Tristan could still be. Callie tries to conceal her attraction and her desire to protect Tristan from Blade, but the paparazzi and ever-present Immortal Dilemma fans make their relationship impossible to hide.

    After an attempted murder investigation sends shockwaves back to Callie’s family, she realizes she is no longer the sheltered girl who left Martha’s Vineyard. She must now find her place in Las Vegas before she has no home at all. She hopes it can be with Blade but Tristan will not be forgotten.

    Callie’s attachment to Tristan forces Blade to snap and walk away. Her pain sends her to Tristan’s waiting arms where she learns the true meaning of Bloodlust.

    First 150:
    All I could see through my haze was blonde hair. Even though I knew that what I saw and what was actually there were two different things, I didn’t care. I just wanted the pain to go away.

    My post show ritual never changed. A drink, a line, a girl. Usually in that order, but it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter what or who, either. Tonight, I already took care of the first two. This chick had my attention. She smelled like fresh air, sunshine…familiar.

    “I can make you a star in your own right, Tristan,” she whispered in my ear as she ran her hand lightly down my chest. I shuddered as her cool fingers trailed down to my stomach.

    I closed my eyes, moaning as she nibbled at my neck. The time had come for me to be more than just billed as my father’s son. But what could this girl offer that my father couldn’t?

    ReplyDelete