Sunday, September 30, 2012

Get Your Pitch On Workshop Pitch #1


Workshops for Get Your Pitch On will start on October 1, but you can still send your pitches through the 14th of October to secure your spot with a host blog.

There is no date deadline for the workshops. Each blog has allocated a set number of pitches that they can host and once those spots are full then no more submissions will be taken.

Important Rule: If you want to participate in a workshop, you must be prepared to comment on at least one other pitch.

Also! For each critique you leave in the comments, you get an entry in the draw for one of eigh 10-page critique from me and workshop hosts Larissa Hardesty, Stephanie Diaz, Catherine Scully, Jodie Andrefski, Paula Sangare, Talynn Lynn and Kaitlin Adams. Please use the exact same names for all of your critiques. Also Sarah Nicolas will be giving away three query critiques. The opportunity ends October 14.     

How to submit: Email your draft pitch to pitchonws@gmail.com and include PitchOnWS and the title of the manuscript in the subject line. Pitches must follow the formatting as specified for the Get Your Pitch On contest. If you missed if before check out this post here.

Draft pitches will be evenly distributed between host blogs.

And interview with Commissioning and Managing Editor of Hardie Grant Egmont, Marisa Pintado, will be coming up soon so that you have an idea what she's looking for before she takes your pitches on Down Under Wonderings and over on the blog YAtopia on October 15th. The exact contest opening times will be included in that post.

Have fun honing your pitches!

Name: Katie Teller
Country of residence: USA
Title: KIYA: HOPE OF THE PHARAOH
Genre: Historical Romance
Word-count: 87,000
Pitch:

To protect her sisters from palace life, Naomi is taken to be a wife of the crazed Pharaoh.
In the palace, the Queen Nefertiti seeks to destroy Naomi as she rises through the ranks of the wives. Naomi knows the danger she faces. To protect herself, she charms the Pharaoh, who grows to love her. But when she conceives his child, Nefertiti’s lust for blood is turned against her.

Here are my thoughts:

Firstly, I love this pitch! It sounds like something I would read and probably stay up late into the night to keep turning the pages.

I only find two things that confused me.

1.) The first sentence states Naomi was taken to the palace to protect her sisters. Why does that protect her sisters? 

2.) It should be clarified "Nefertiti’s lust for blood is turned against her." Who is her? I think it's Naomi, but it could be confused as Nefertiti's plan backfired on own self.

One last thing. You used the word protect twice. Maybe change one to "keep from harm" or "save" or something similar. 

Great pitch!! I would read more if given the chance:) 
 Best wishes during Get You Pitch On!

Please visit the following blogs to see other pitches in the workshop!

12 comments:

  1. Wow thanks! That's really helpful! Oh and I'm always willing to share my MS's for feedback, just ask :-D

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  2. Great idea and some super feedback! I'd love to participate, but I'm ready to take a long overdue break. I'll check back, though. I really love reading pitches and comments about them.

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  3. This pitch is very concise and has good pacing. I love egyptian culture;it sounds like a page turner.

    The biggest thing that I can give feedback on was also that first sentence where you mention protecting her sisters. Based on the second sentence I assume she took their place as a wife to pharoh? Maybe some clarification for that but otherwise I think it is really strong.

    Good luck to you :)

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  4. That first sentence is awkward, but if you explain it out you're likely to make the sentence even longer.

    Would this work?
    To protect her younger sisters from becoming his child brides, Naomi offers to be a wife of the crazed Pharaoh.

    OR
    Naomi offers to become a wife of the crazed Pharaoh to keep her young sisters from the same fate.
    Well, you know I'm not a fan of crazed, but I'll stop mentioning it. :-)
    (although lecherous is good too).

    Now I like the first sentence I wrote better because it follows the sequence of events - catalyst--> affect, but either works, I think.

    However, this next sentence might benefit from putting the action before the reaction:
    In the palace, the Queen Nefertiti seeks to destroy Naomi as she rises through the ranks of the wives.

    As Naomi rises through the ranks of wives she comes to the attention of Queen Nefertiti. (put the destroy with the danger, maybe even show something...)


    The jealous queen sets out to destroy Naomi, fabricating situations which place the younger woman in danger.


    To protect herself, she charms the Pharaoh, who grows to love her.


    But when she NAOMI conceives his child, Nefertiti’s lust for blood is turned against her.

    So, here's a thought: IF you keep crazy for the Pharaoh, think about making this circular and tying it back in something like:
    But when Naomi conceives his child, and Nefertiti's lust for blood reaches chilling proportions, she realizes the queen is truly insane.

    Okay that didn't work, but it's an idea to wrap up the package a little tighter.

    Love the story. We can argue if its midrash later. :-)

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  5. Ellie - you can read it and tell me it's midrash afterward if you want! Until then, I'm sticking with no :-P

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  6. I think this sounds great. I agree that the first sentence needs more clarification - I got confused as to how that helped her sisters - but overall it sounds interesting and I wish you luck!

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  7. After taking in all the suggestions, here is a reviewed one:
    To save her sisters from being taken, Naomi steps in to be a wife of the erratic Pharaoh.
    As Naomi rises through the ranks of the wives, the Queen Nefertiti seeks to destroy her. To protect herself, Naomi charms the Pharaoh, who grows to love her. But when Naomi conceives his child, Nefertiti’s lust for blood is turned against her.

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  8. I think this is really strong. And you've gotten some great feedback already. Good luck!

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  9. I think your revision is much improved. Great job!

    Just a few thoughts:

    I know it is hard to do in a pitch of less than 70 words, but I would love to see a few more details...

    Such as:

    Are the sisters younger? Maybe add--"To save her younger sisters..." And,

    Erratic doesn't "feel" like a historical word to me for some reason. What about eccentric? Maybe say..."eccentric Egyptian Pharaoh..." (you can get in the setting this way too).

    The first sentence might look something like:

    To save her younger sisters from being taken to bed by an eccentric Egyptian Pharaoh, Naomi (last name) offers to be his wife.

    The rest is good, but the last phrase of the last sentence threw me:

    "Nefertiti's lust for blood is turned against her."

    I'm confused b/c you've already told us that the other queen is out to get Naomi, so "turned against her" besides being vague, is repetitive, I think. Try to add some stakes here instead...what will happen to Naomi when she conceives this child? What exactly is Nefertiti going to do? Kill the baby? Kill Naomi?

    I'm not a Pitch expert...but wanted to share my thoughts. I think you have a very interesting and unique premise...something I would love to read. Nice work!

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  10. thanks :-)
    As a side note, she doesn't have a last name. She is known as "Naomi, eldest daughter of Jorem, the birthright of the tribe of Ephraim" but that's far too long. This story predates last names. :-D

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    Replies
    1. I really like your revise.
      And I loved your query during GUTGAA. After reading that, I understand your pitch even more.
      Best wishes during Pitch On!

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  11. Thanks! I'm pretty excited about Pitch On. These comps are so good for feedback and improvement.

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