Sunday, September 30, 2012

GUTGAA Pitch #9 The Rabbit Ate My Homework

The Rabbit Ate My Homework
Homorous middle grade
35,000 words


Query:

All twelve-year-old Drew Montgomery wants to do is fix his broken bike so he can compete in the big upcoming mountain bike race. He has not, does not, and will not ever want a dumb old rabbit. All they do is sit in their cages, eat carrots, and poop. He certainly doesn’t want to be blackmailed by his annoying little sister into hiding the stupid rabbit in his closet. But she knows about the broken bike and that he kind-of-maybe-might-have allowed his dad to believe it was stolen (he called the police and everything!) and now she’s threatening to tell.

Now Drew’s in a real jam. If his “No pets!” parents find the rabbit, or, worse, his sister blabs the truth, he might as well forget about ever competing in the race. Because he'll be grounded for sure. Probably till Grade Seven. And if that’s not enough trouble, two girls at school drag him into a prank war that goes from bad to worse (all the rabbit’s fault). Plus, the weirdest girl in his class wants to be his science partner. If she tells him she wants to be his girlfriend, he just knows he’s gonna die.

Drew needs to think fast if he’s going to outwit the mean girls, wiggle out of the blackmail deal, find a way to fix his bike, and get rid of the rabbit before it destroys his bedroom and his life.


First 150 words:

I can’t decide which is the worst part of breaking my bike—knowing how much trouble I’m going to be in when Dad finds out or missing the big mountain bike race coming up in three weeks.

The school bus bounces as I unzip my backpack and pull out the glossy flyer. I unfold it and read it again. Not that I haven’t memorized every word and could recite it blindfolded and backwards.
TheDouglas Bay Cycling Club presents:
Island Cup Downhill Extravaganza #3
April 14
First-timers welcome!
In the middle of the page, there’s a picture of a guy on a mountain bike flying in the air over a big dirt jump. At the bottom, last year’s winners stand on a podium, hands waving, huge grins on their faces.

An entry form is stapled to the back. I’ve got everything filled out—everything except the parent/guardian signature. I was waiting for the perfect time to bring it up with Dad.

5 comments:

  1. I love the voice of this query! You really get a sense of Drew's voice. I have no suggestions. You did an awesome job and I hope you get to move forward!

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  2. I'm leaving comments and then coming back with my votes.

    Your title caught my eye right away while your query has plenty of voice. It sounds like a middle grade boy. You might want to be more specific on the prank war because it felt like the query dragged a bit here. Also, consider tweaking up the phrases 'grounded for sure. Probably till Grade Seven' and 'he's gonna die'. They could be stronger with voice. Tie those somehow to the rabbit. Something like:

    If she tells him she wants to be his girlfriend, he's gonna spit rabbit pellets.

    Overall, you do a great job pulling me in.

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  3. Love the voice and the story sounds awesome!

    My only thought is if you cut 'to do' in the first sentence, then the flow to the next sentence would be a bit smoother. Cutting it would also eliminate the having 'do' repeat in the first and third sentences.

    Goldilock's pellet suggestion made me laugh like a crazy woman :)

    Good luck! Bunnies rule.

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  4. I really like the voice that shines through in both the query and the first 150 words. This sounds like such a cute story. Everything in the query, the stakes and choices are well stated.

    I honestly wouldn’t change anything about this entry. If I had more votes, this would have gotten one. I think ultimately the reason I didn’t choose it was I tend to go for a little darker stories. I’m sure this is a fantastic read, and this is just my opinion. One lowly author’s preference. So if I were you I wouldn’t change anything and hope that the other judges are funnier than I am. Good luck!

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  5. You've got my vote!

    I love the humor of this entry. Good luck!

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