If you want to see my first 500 words of my manuscript, you can read it here. I would appreciate any and all feedback from my lovely bloggers and friends! Let me know what you think. Thanks so much!!!!
Thank you, Falling For Fiction and Jenny, for ALL your help. I am forever grateful:)
Here is my new query letter for Soul Driver. I have went through many revisions, and a couple of new titles. AND I'm still working on it, as far as revisions (based on feedback from my bloggers), but I thought I would get some opinions from everyone before I start the query process. Again, thanks!
Query:
Soul Driver is a 55,000 older
YA Historical Suspense, with a touch of paranormal.
Thank you, Falling For Fiction and Jenny, for ALL your help. I am forever grateful:)
Here is my new query letter for Soul Driver. I have went through many revisions, and a couple of new titles. AND I'm still working on it, as far as revisions (based on feedback from my bloggers), but I thought I would get some opinions from everyone before I start the query process. Again, thanks!
Query:
River Morgan is petite, pink-haired and not quiet seventeen,
but she already knows how to erase a memory. When she changes a memory, she
writes it down in a Memory Book to keep the memories from becoming her own.
Endless possibilities hover around this little-known power, and every Thief
Taker in the town of Ravyn wants that power. When the book is stolen, River is
no longer able to tell the difference between her memories and memories she’s
wiped away. Unless she finds the book, her identity will be lost forever.
When River meets Ashton Drake, he presents himself as her
Knight in Shining Armor, but what River doesn’t know is his armor is rusted.
He’s searching for the Memory Book, too, but for all the wrong reasons. Or so
River thinks. He’s secretly on a mission to return the Book to its rightful
owner before devastating consequences destroy everyone whose memories are
written within the Book’s pages.
As the odds turn against her, River is dead set on
protecting the powers of the Memory Book. The time comes when she must risk her
life by connecting with underground forces, playing fire with a power strong
enough to steal her heart and a friend who thinks she’s better off dead. River
must choose between doing what is right and doing what her heart wants.
Because some memories you want to live over and over again.
And some memories are best forgotten.
I think this sounds really interesting and I'm totally going to go read your first 500! :) The one critique I'll give you is that you imply River doesn't know what Ashton is up to, then you say that she 'thinks' it's the wrong reasons. Does she know or not?
ReplyDeleteOkay, now clearly she doesn't know, then finds out, then thinks he's bad & will find out he's not. But, I'd still be careful of wording it that way in the query.
Love the first line, though!
I would leave out 'Or so River thinks'. I think I'd leave out the last paragraph too (as the odds turn against her). I love the last 2 lines :)
ReplyDeleteThat's just my 2 cents. I think this book sounds really interesting. I hope you get an agent or a publisher so I can read it :)
Can I ask why I think leaving out "Or so she thinks" would be better? The entire story, River thinks Ashton is against her. It's the wall that keeps them apart. Once she learns he is trying to help her, she can finally love him. But then she learns he holds a secret that will keep them apart and there is only thing River can do to bridge the gap and cross over to his side...
ReplyDeleteIf that's the important part, then I would leave out the line about not knowing his armor is rusted. Maybe even change it to finds out his armor is rusted?
DeleteOh, that would be perfect! "When River meets Ashton Drake, he presents himself as her Knight in Shining Armor, but she soon learns his armor is rusted."
DeleteHow's that?
That works for me. :)
DeleteThank you Rachel for the idea. I really like it and I think it fits with River's story more than the original way I had it. And it fits Ashton, too. He really thinks he's God's gift to women, more so because his father is Captain, but after he meets River, he realizes he's not as shiny as he thought -thanks to River he learns it the hard way:)
DeleteI love love love the first line of the query, and you already know I adore the concept of the book! This is one I definitely can't wait to read!!!!
ReplyDeleteNow, that is sweet Jessa. Thanks for the boost of confidence. Now if i could just an agent/publisher who thinks the same, I should be good to go...hehe
ReplyDeleteInk, I'm stopping by through Kimberly Gabriel's blog. Here are my thoughts on your query. I also shortened it a little bit. I tried to rearrange/rewrite some of it. Obviously these are just suggestions - take them with a grain of salt :-) GOOD LUCK!
ReplyDeleteRiver Morgan is petite, pink-haired and not quite (you had 'quiet here) seventeen, but she already knows how to erase a memory. **HOW??
When she changes a memory, she writes it down in a Memory Book to keep the memories from becoming her own. Endless possibilities hover around her ability, and everyone in the town of Ravyn wants that power. When the book is stolen, River is no longer able to tell the difference between her memories and memories she’s wiped away. Unless she finds the book, her identity will be lost forever.
When River meets Ashton Drake, he presents himself as her Knight in Shining Armor. He’s searching for the Memory Book, too, but for all the wrong reasons. Or so River thinks. He’s secretly on a mission to return the Book to its rightful owner before devastating consequences destroy everyone whose memories are written within the Book’s pages.
As the odds turn against her, River is dead set on protecting the powers of the Memory Book. Soon, River has to choose between doing what is right and doing what her heart wants.
SOUL DRIVER is a YA paranormal complete at 55,000 words. I believe it will appeal to fans of X-Men and the Touched series by Corrine Jackson.*
*To me, your book does not sound 'older' YA. 17 is still firmly in the YA category. I also suggest you look up Touched by Corrine Jackson - I think you'd like it.
BEST OF LUCK WITH THIS QUERY!!!!!
Thank you so much for taking the time to look over my query. I really appreciate your comments and suggestions. The only thing I would not remove would be my last two lines: Because some memories you want to live over and over again.
ReplyDeleteAnd some memories are best forgotten.
That is the whole part of my book!
But thanks for stopping by and joining. I am only FIVE away from 100 followers. WOOT! WOOT!!!!!
I actually agree with Gabriel! Be sure to proofread it over and over.. just to make sure too.. this sounds really interesting and I've never read anything of this sort. The name is really unique and special for the little girl.. she must love pink!! I'm a big fan of pink myself! Gabriel knows what she's talking about although I haven't gotten as far as writing a query letter just yet.. but I will cover it soon through the writing course. Good luck to you!!!
DeleteThank you Crystal. Actually, her friend, Shae, loves pink. The pink hair is what draws Shae to River, but boy do their personalities clash!
DeleteOkay, one last comment. . . One thing I find confusing is, I thought the book was hers at the beginning of the query. So if he's trying to return it to its rightful owner, who is that? And how did she end up with it? I'm sure this is explained in the book, and makes perfect sense, but we don't really see that here. You don't need to tell us all of that, but a little something when you first mention the book might be good to clear it up a little. Just a thought. (No one else has commented on it, so maybe it's just me! I confuse easily. . .) ;)
ReplyDeleteGreat concept and the opening line of the query rocks. I am a new follower from the Buccaneer Blogfest.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Melissa! You just made my day: I just updated my followers and now I have to change it again. But that is not a complaint you see. I am only TWO away from 100 followers. Woot!
ReplyDeleteInk: I was wondering/thinking if you'd checked out Absolute Write (Show Your Work - Query Section). I think they'd be a great help for you in writing/editing your query. You just need to get to 50 posts and then you post on the Query section. :-) Good luck, ink!
ReplyDeleteThe paragraph about Ashton feels a little off-center to me.
ReplyDeletePart of it, I think, is that we don't hear about him again in the paragraph that follows; so it's like he pokes his head into the query briefly, then disappears, leaving it River's story again.
Another part is that you reveal so much about his secret mission; if we already know so much about it, it doesn't feel like a secret.
I'm inclined to think that the query would work better with the Ashton paragraph gone entirely, with maybe a quick mention of him in the "As the odds turn against her..." paragraph, if it's really critical that his name get in there somewhere.
Apart from all that, it really does sound like a cool premise. If any of my notes ring true to you, glad I could help. Either way, I wish you and "Soul Diver" well. (: