Writer In Motion CP feedback

Hey beautiful guys and dolls!

Here it is! My CP feedback edited story. Had a hard time with this, but I hope it makes sense. I've got a post I'm working on I plan to put up after Thanksgiving.


Here ya go. Enjoy...

Every morning I wake to carnival day. 

Today, though, I have my key. If I don’t use it before midnight, my way of escape will gone. It’s a silver key with a twisted metal handle, a sapphire stone half moon and engraved stars. There’s a tiny inscription on the moon, but it’s so small, I’ve never been able to read it.I’ve always kept mine in my jewelry box, but today, I string it on a ribbon and tie it around my neck. My two best friends will be wearing theirs, too, and I wonder how they will escape this carnival of dreams.

“What’s it for?” Cress asks as we stand in line for the swings. I run my fingertips over the entire silver surface. “I don’t know. It belonged to my grandmother,” I say.

“Whatever.” She shrugs her shoulder in a dismissive way. “Have you seen Dove this morning?”

“Nope.” I scan the crowd of carnival goers. Dove is never late, and she always rides the swing at the same time as Cress and me. There are three of us turning sweet sixteen today, and we’ve spent every birthday together. We do the same thing, wear the same clothes, eat the same food. The only difference is today we have our keys.

I spot Dove standing in line for the Free Fall. She’s talking to a boy, her hand wrapped around her key necklace. Usually, she’s bubbly and happy. Today is different.

“What’s she doing? Why is she not here with us?” Cress asks.

I can feel Dove’s eagerness, even with the distance between us,she can’t force the boy’s decision. 

He takes the key from Dove and slips it around his neck. In an instant, the ground moves under my feet. Dove and her boy fades from view as a star whisks them away to the heavens.

Dove is free, like a bird from its gilded cage. I swallow hard and push myself forward, my courage shrinking.

“Hey, Essence. You okay?” Cress shakes my shoulder to get my attention. Her long, powder blue hair wisps around her neck, drawing my attention to the key necklace dangling from a dainty gold chain, almost the same color as her skin. I’m staring at the key, trying to understand what Cress intends to do.

She gives me a quick hug and the excitement in her eyes makes me a little jealous. Cress hurries from line and I watch her as she plays the balloon popping game. She claps her hands and jumps on her toes. I wipe my tears. A giggle peals through the air and I turn just in time to see Cress toss her key to to the vendor. Suddenly, like a falling star in the heavens, she vanishes, a bright twinkle leaving a trail of star dust behind her.

The line moves up and I choose my place carefully. My chair drops from the ceiling, scoops me up, and the entire contraption starts in motion. The swing’s chains dangle from mechanical loops hidden by the colorful tarot reading on the upper interior surface.

The swing ride starts up and my hair is flying in my face, my feet swings in the air. 

My hearts falls to my stomach. I don’t like being alone and I certainly don’t like hoe Dove and Cress were freed before me.  There’s only one way left for me to get my freedom.

I unfasten my safety harness and shimmy up the chain, cold seeping through my fingers. I feel as if I’m climbing into the clouds. At the top of the carousel I see through the roof of the tarot cards slowing as the swing ride comes to an end. My reading is on the infinity symbol. The white Warrior Wand in the center of the roof calls to me like a beacon. I cling to the wand like it’s my hope, leaning out into my fear. Despair clings like a gray fog to my skin. 

Above me, the cloud goddess reclines gracefully in her golden chair, as cloud-ish as her human form allows. She’s dirty--evaporated-looking--with clear gray skin. Lighting bolts lace her arms, cirrus wisps of her silver hair drift over her eyes.

She has a pink ribbon around her neck, but no key is there. This is my chance. If I make the wrong choice, the goddess has the power to strike me with lightening and send me back to the carnival, trapped there for eternity. With shaking hands, I hand my key to her.  My breath catches.

I stare up at her through my lashes, and she nods as she extends her hand to me. She presses it to her heart, and then fades like the clouds after a storm, blown away, piece by piece.

I take her place in the goddess chair.

Below me, the carnival fades in a smokey haze. It melts like the snow on a warm spring day.

I made the right choice, and now, I’m free.