Thursday, May 2, 2013

The Writers Voice Entry

How excited am I? Can't you hear me laughing and squeeing, right there where you are?

Yep! I'm excited! I made it tot he first round of the Writers Voice!! So today, I've posted my entry, here int his blog post, for the coaches to come around and read and decide if I'm ready to move on to the next round. Keep your fingers crossed for me PLEASE:)

The entry I'm posting as went through numerous rounds of edits and revisions to get it where it is already. I've cut, squeezed, rearranged and replaced so much, I think my brain is on fire! I've changed names, combined characters, cut characters, and I've changed titles a couple of times and agonized over my genre until I cried. I've put the first three chapters through a couple of workshops and had feedback from a few agents, so I'm sure I've got the results I wanted. (I can be honest, can't I?) So, here we go, you beautiful guys and dolls.

Feel free to leave any comments that might help improve my entry. Thank you so much!

 Query:

PRETEND YA Thriller, 54,000 words


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Pretending to be someone else has its ups and downs. Seventeen-year-old Prism Chase thought it would be exciting, but when the game turns deadly, Prism has exactly forty-eight hours to come clean about who she really is. Her charades must stop or people are gonna die.

After she witnesses the murder of a government official, Prism is taken into the witness protection program. Still scared she isn’t safe, she comes up with a brilliant plan: secretly switch places with another girl in the program who is on the run from a crazed bounty hunter. Instead of hiding, though, Prism stepped right into the hands of the man who murdered the official.

As hours dwindle, Prism must figure out how to hide from the enemy, who is playing the part of protector, who thinks she is someone else. Deeper secrets surface when Prism discovers her fake hideout, Stony Hill Priory, is the battlegrounds for a pending war of an ancient prophecy. And the girl she swapped places with is the reason for the battle. Now, Prism must prove she’s not the pretend girl, but in so doing, she risks not only her life, but the life of the girl she traded identities with, who has secrets of her own.

First 250 words: 

My stomach knotted and my heart thumped with an irregular pattern. This is not the way I envisioned my first week, already summoned to the office. I should be happy my mom said. Instead, I gripped the gold plated chair arm and let the cold ride up my arm inch by inch.

One glance out the office window and I knew why I wasn't happy. The perfect storm dumped massive amounts of rain. Black clouds pushed the wispy white out of the way, which helped to illuminate the streaks of lightning that fell from the sky.

The spiral-topped concrete buildings sprawled across the valley below, drenched and soaked with water. The bell tower sagged under the weight as the water accumulated on the roof.

The mirror image of prison camp.

Thunder boomed and the windows rattled but I told myself that’s not why I jumped, even though I wanted to crawl under the chairs and disappear as magically as the lightning.

I walked to the window, mesmerized with the rain splatter on the glass. I traced the droplets and guessed which way they’d slide and disappear into a puddle on the outside sill. Today, I wished I could be a raindrop and blend in with the droplets slipping into the pool of rain. I wiped the tear that tickled down my cheek and watched as the sprinkles outside slid away with my tears.

“Miss Chase?” said a voice from behind. “Hello. I’m Mrs. Tolson.”

So much for my disappearance.

61 comments:

  1. YAY! Good job. I'll keep cheering for you :)

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  2. Excellent! You have my vote, I definitely want to know more! Good luck!

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    1. Woo hoo! I need you to be on the judges council!

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  3. This is awesome! Good luck!

    www.modernworld4.blogspot.com

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  4. Ends on a great hook. And Prism is such a cool name! Good luck.

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    1. I love Prism too! She's actually a pretty cool girl:)

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  5. Woot! Yay for you! Your query sounds pretty strong and the plot intrigues me.

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    1. Really? Thanks! I'm glad you stopped by today!

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  6. Oh my congrats that is so exciting. Well done you. You'd have my vote.

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    1. Thanks, Vik. Too bad you aren't on the deciding judges vote card:)

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  7. This sounds awesome, love all the subterfuge. Good luck!

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    1. Me too. But the end results? Not good. And it was hard lesson she learned...

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  8. Congratulations!
    Your story sounds really exciting! I would want to read more!

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    1. Thank you Regina. That's a positive sign:)

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  9. Whoa! I didn't know you've been hiding this jewel! Good luck with this one, Talynn. I know I'd like to read the rest. I love the MC's name :)

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    1. Yea, my archives are full. Overflowing and needing an agent and publisher... I love Prism. She's one of my favorites. Just one, though. I have others...*smiles*

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    2. Um, well, my finals end on Monday. So. You know my email address :)

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    3. Hurry and get your finals over, sweetie! I have much work for you to do...and tons to read. and edit. and critique. and...kidding. kinda.

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  10. Ditto on the name Prism. It's a gem. (Haha or lame?)
    Anyway, good luck in the contest!

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    1. Thanks, Nikki. Boy, I have a Nikki in my story. Cool, huh!

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  11. That first page definitely drew me in, and I want to keep reading.

    Good luck!

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    1. I'm always nervous about that first page, so I'm glad you liked it!

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  12. Talynn, my love, it's nice to see us in another contest again! Best of luck, this is great!!

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    1. Hey, sweet friend! I'm coming to read your entry. I didn't know you were in this!!

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  13. Great first page! I like the premise. Lots of room for tension!

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    1. I hope I get the tension on the page, too, because there really is a lot of tension.

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  14. Cool idea! I can imagine the personality of a girl who would make such a switch. Prism sounds amazing.

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    1. She's definitely feisty and spunky. and no, her hair is not red. Thanks!!

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  15. I love your concept! What a unique idea!

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  16. Ooooh, I like this premise--it has promise! Good luck :)

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  17. ooo I love the concept. Best of luck with your entry :)

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  18. Ooh, a false identity gone wrong? I love thrillers, and they are something we don't see enough of in YA.

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    1. YA Thrillers, stick together and cheer for success! Thanks!

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  19. This sounds fantastic! I love the premise and it sounds like you've got quite a few twists and turns. I also loved the line about disappearing as magically as the lightning--great voice and imagery, there. I wish you the best of luck! :)

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  20. Oh wow! Your query has me HOOKED! Also, I love your mc's name. Awesome work here! Good luck!

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    1. Thank you for your vote of confidence. Mine, seems to be lacking...Best of luck to you!

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  21. The premise sounds like a real double-edged sword for your MC. Awesome! So hooked... Good luck!

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    1. Yea, it is double edged. She has some tough decisions to make and sometimes, she picks the wrong one.

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  22. This sounds like it will keep the reader guessing with twist after twist followed by a sharp turn! I love when a book pulls that kind of thing off! Prism is a super unique name too!

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  23. Interesting concept, I'm always up for a good thriller.
    Good luck!

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  24. I love the name Prism, too. :) Maybe it hints of different facets of her personality? Sounds like it will fit her. Best of luck and congrats for making it into the first round!! I liked your excerpt; intriguing beginning. :) The buildings "sprawling" kinda threw me though--sprawling to me sounds like they're lying down. Could just be me!

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    1. Thanks, Carol. Wrong word choice, I guess. I better change that...

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    2. Wait. First definition of sprawl is:

      sit, lie, or fall with one's arms and legs spread out in an ungainly or awkward way

      2nd definition is:

      spread out over a large area in an untidy or irregular way

      But, maybe a different word might be a better choice?

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    3. Hmm...oh yeah, THAT definition. ;) I guess I HAVE heard of cities sprawling over the countryside, etc. It also depends on the mood you're trying to convey. Does an untidy or irregular way fit the image you want? And does it cause any confusion in readers (besides me LOL) because of the first definition? To me as far as mood, sprawling sounds casual and laid back along with untidy and irregular, but I could be being influenced by the first definition.

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    4. You're right. Actually, Stony Hill is anything but untidy. It like a military/prison camp. I'm looking for a new word, for sure.

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  25. Aha, cool. Amazing how much ONE word can alter a mood, eh? Some words are even the right meaning, but they SOUND goofy or rhyme with another word in a sentence. Complex! ;o)

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  26. I love the premise on this one and the writing is strong. I have many ideas on how to get the query to shine and the first page to rock, if you're willing to put in the work. If so, I PICK YOU! Please pick me!!! I can make this happen! So excited about the premise! (Note to self: Stop using so many exclamation marks.)

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    1. So it's settled then. I'm on #TeamBrenda. On my word. I can't believe I just said that. I'M ON #TEAMBRENDA!!!!!!

      GAAAA!!!!!!!

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