Hey beautiful guys and dolls! Here it is! My CP feedback edited story. Had a hard time with this, but I hope it makes sense. I've got a post I'm working on I plan to put up after Thanksgiving. Here ya go. Enjoy... Every morning I wake to carnival day. Today, though, I have my key. If I don’t use it before midnight, my way of escape will gone. It’s a silver key with a twisted metal handle, a sapphire stone half moon and engraved stars. There’s a tiny inscription on the moon, but it’s so small, I’ve never been able to read it.I’ve always kept mine in my jewelry box, but today, I string it on a ribbon and tie it around my neck. My two best friends will be wearing theirs, too, and I wonder how they will escape this carnival of dreams. “What’s it for?” Cress asks as we stand in line for the swings. I run my fingertips over the entire silver surface. “I don’t know. It belonged to my grandmother,” I say. “Whatever.” She shrugs her shoulder in a dismissive way. “Have
The contest has arrived and below you will find my query letter and the first 500 words of my novel, ONLY ONE TIME.
I think this is a great idea. In fact, I don't think I've ever read anything about memory-keepers, etc before. The 1st 2 paragraphs are good, but I got a little lost on the 3rd paragraph. Do the 2 girls fall in love with Tavin? Or each other? And being that the query began with River,I was surprised that the story started with Shae. Best wishes :)
ReplyDelete3rd paragraph typo. I'm changing it right now. Both girls fall in love with Tavin. Thanks!!
ReplyDeleteHey great excerpt you have there. I felt immediately drawn in, but I agree that I was too surprised to see Shaes POV since the query started with River. Also why does there love for Tavin threaten their mission? I would love to know more about that in the query. :) I really like your opening scene. The tension is outstanding. I am intrigued by where she is and why she was taken. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI think I need to rearrange my opening scene. But thanks for the encouragement!!!
DeleteDarn it, my internet went down right in the middle of my comment! Sorry, I'll try again.
ReplyDeleteFirst, that last scene had me holding my breath. I'm hooked! Well done. Very original premise.
I hope it's okay if I comment about my points of confusion:
One captor says Mrs. Smyth will do as he says, which I assumed was to keep and feed Shae. But then he said he didn't care what she did with Shae...Also, I wasn't hearing Mrs. Smyth's kind voice - she always sounded mean to me.
Next to last paragraph: "quite" should be "quiet."
Last paragraph: "captures" should be "captors."
I think my biggest problem is typos. Thank you for pointing them out!
ReplyDeleteHi :)
ReplyDeleteI liked your concept and query. I noticed the typos too, but they were pointed out :) Good luck :)
Hello! Cool premise, I don't hear too much about memory keepers. I was a little confused by the query. It's when her stolen memories start chasing her, that I start to get a little lost. I think you could make a cool premise a little more engaging with more voice. I know that's a vague suggestion, but I just don't get much of a sense of your MC's personality in the query or the first 500. Can you give me some little details about her to make her more memorable?
ReplyDeleteThank you Sharon. I will work in that and revamp. I have some ideas on how to do that and will work them. Hopefully in a good way. I really, really appreciate your advice:)
DeleteI agree with the comments above! I love the idea behind this book - I also was really hooked in the last paragraph of your first 500! Great opening scene. Good luck to you in the contest!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Kimberly. I appreciate it!
DeleteLike others, I was surprised when the first 500 started with Shae. The query makes it sound as if River is the protagonist and I would normally expect the story to start with her.
ReplyDeleteI think this sentence: "The struggle for River’s real identity rages a war against the lost memories and not until she finds the book will River remember who she really is." should be reworked to have River as the subject, making it more active. Oh, and you probably meant "wages a war".
I think in the first paragraph of the excerpt you meant to say her CAPTORS' brutality.
Thanks! I am considering starting my story with the second chapter which is River's introduction to the novel. I just love Shae's intro, but River's is good, too. It starts with a memory chase...
DeleteHa! Don't stop there! I wan to know who knelt before her! hehe
ReplyDeleteBut, like Meredith said, I was surprised it was Shae rather then River.
But you got me, you sucked me in. Great job!
I love my opening too but maybe I need to change to River's intro instead.
DeleteThank You for the encouragement!!!
I love my opening too but maybe I need to change to River's intro instead.
DeleteThank You for the encouragement!!!
I expected the story to start with River since the query was about her. I was a little confused when reading the query about the stolen memories chasing her. The premise sounds really interesting. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI like the concept and enjoyed the 500 words. I picked up the other typos and found another below.
ReplyDeleteI too was confused by your query and feel that you need to work on it more. Possibly too much information contained in it! Wish you luck.
She had been thrown into the corner where she huddled and then left alone. / and was then left alone, or, and then was left alone.
I like your premise, the idea of controlling memory is really intriguing. Your query threw me a bit, it felt a little confusing, the two opening sentences especially "Nineteen-year-old River Morgan knows how to erase a memory. When she changes a memory, she writes it down in a Memory Book." I like that she can erase a memory but when you start talking about writing in the book I thought you were explaining how she changes memories, so it was a bit of a let down. I think the query needs to be tightened a little to give us a stronger sense of what is happening in the story. Maybe give us an example of how she changes a memory, or what has happened as a result? Keep going because it is a great concept! Good luck on the contest. :)
ReplyDeleteA fascinating concept that I'd enjoy reading about. May I suggest combining your first two sentences together (of first 500) as it read a bit jolting to me.
ReplyDeleteGreat to meet you! And best of luck! Sounds great!
I don't have anything to say that is different from what others have said. I agree with the point made about the POV being River's vs. Shae's.
ReplyDeleteI AM IN LOVE with your concept of a Memory Book! SO SO INTRIGUED!
What an interesting premise!
ReplyDeleteI did enjoy Shae's opening, but was confused from the query. Could you rework the query to start with Shae?
The query itself needs to be more cohesive. Each paragraph almost feels like its own story. And you should definitely mention that it's alternating POV.
That said, I'm definitely intrigued by the premise, and I enjoyed the first 500. :) Good luck!
I am definatly reworking the query. I'm sure everyone knows by know this is my first query. I completely understand now why everyone dreads the query:( I need to better explain my story in the query, right?
ReplyDeleteI want to know who lit the match! Great intrigue!
ReplyDeleteI agree that since you begin the story with Shae, I would have expected the query to be more from her POV instead of River's.
Great concept and I would keep reading! Good luck :)
Love the story concept - but the query is confusing.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others - it should start with whichever character is being introduced first, especially since it looks like they'll be sharing the main character slot for the story. I'm also not sure what you're trying to convey by "all those memories she took away are now chasing her". Are they her memories, or someone else's, and how are they chasing her? What does it matter if she can't remember who she truly is?
Also, avoid sounding passive. This doesn't really draw me in: "The day her book is stolen is the day her life is changed because all those memories she took away are now chasing her. The struggle for River’s real identity rages a war against the lost memories and not until she finds the book will River remember who she really is."
Try something like: "River's life changes when her book is stolen. Every memory she took away is now chasing her. Struggling to find her real identity in a war of lost memories, River won't remember who she really is until she finds the book."
Also, in the first and last paragraphs of your 500 words, you use she/her 19 and 16 times, respectively. I don't think I would have noticed it as much if the character's name wasn't Shae, but it does make everything she/her stand out. You might consider reworking some of those sentences.
I don't have anything to add that hasn't been said. Just wanted to say good luck :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for these ideas. I really appreciate the suggestions. The full idea behind the book is that River knows how to erase memories, change memories and manipulate memories. She must write them down in a memory book to keep them from becoming her memories. The book is stolen and now all are the memories are"chasing" River, trying to find a new home. Good memories, bad memories. All of them. These lost memories make River loose her real identity. She can't remember who she really is because all the memories blur the real memories. Shae brings River's life back into focus and together they must find Shae's father. He is the only one who knows how to unlock the deepest memories and bring a person back to their real selves. The power of a memory. They really do shape and mold a person. Think about it. What kind of memories do you have that make you love someone? Hate someone? What memories make you happy? Sad?
ReplyDeleteSorry I wrote a book:)