tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post8906443253603808998..comments2023-10-20T04:44:55.665-05:00Comments on Ink in the Book: GUTGAA Pitch #3 Sorry's Not EnoughInk in the Bookhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03117718811407968345noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-86193983400397448272012-10-05T15:46:08.755-05:002012-10-05T15:46:08.755-05:00Congrats for your win! I'm super happy for you...Congrats for your win! I'm super happy for you:)Ink in the Bookhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03117718811407968345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-63515168661873399162012-10-02T15:37:04.559-05:002012-10-02T15:37:04.559-05:00I'm leaving comments and then returning with m...I'm leaving comments and then returning with my votes.<br /><br />Your first sentence in the second paragraph of your query was super cute. 'Stay the Hell away from Me pheromones' made me LOL. You do a great job of giving Charlotte lots of personality. I can feel what kind of person she is from your query. <br /><br />I did find the sentence that starts out 'Being just emotionally distant ...' to be very awkward. I also thought you might cut some words from 'What's even more bizarre is for the first time, Charlotte can't quite bring herself to mind'. All the words take away the effectiveness. Maybe:<br /><br />Even more bizarre, Charlotte can't bring herself to mind.<br /><br />I really like where you start out your First 150. Her character jumps off the page. One nit-pick would be the telling of 'was taken aback by the force of his gaze'. Perhaps she could use a body reaction to show her feelings. She could 'blink from the force of his gaze' or maybe 'scoot back in her seat from the force of his gaze'.Goldilocksnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-64011050416265905442012-10-02T13:57:33.861-05:002012-10-02T13:57:33.861-05:00YOU’VE GOT MY VOTE!
I already like Charlotte. Her...YOU’VE GOT MY VOTE!<br /><br />I already like Charlotte. Her voice shines through in the query as well as the excerpt. I love the way the story opens.<br /><br />Now, I think I know what happens in the second paragraph, but it took three read throughs to understand. Steven is the teacher and Charlotte is the student? Right? It doesn’t help I don’t get the reference of Lolita. In my opinion, I think you should spell it out. He’s her teacher. Just so we’re all on the same page.<br /><br />Then the whole third paragraph, you lose me. Especially this sentence “Being just emotionally distant enough, for long enough, that the guy she doesn't want to admit she loves gets tired of waiting isn't how she thought it would end, either.” And who is “the man whose betrayal destroyed her capacity for trust to begin with.” Is that Steven? I think the last paragraph could be tightened up a lot. You’ve done a great job with the voice in the first two paragraphs. Just make sure we understand the choice and stakes in the last one.<br /><br />Overall, a really strong voice, someone I’d like to read about. And forbidden love? Yes please! Your excerpt got you the vote on this one. If you need to submit elsewhere, or if you get voted through to the publisher round, I would recommend cleaning up the query. Good luck!Im Just Sayinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-36289762341644381272012-10-01T17:07:02.411-05:002012-10-01T17:07:02.411-05:00I love the twist of school! I was already drawn to...I love the twist of school! I was already drawn to their story but that was definitely the ruh-roh factor that hooked me. My only suggestion would be to tighten up this line: Being just emotionally distant enough, for long enough, that the guy she doesn't want to admit she loves gets tired of waiting isn't how she thought it would end, either. The sentence structure is a bit confusing and I had to reread it to get the point. Other than that, I say great job!Mara Valderranhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04718957990733048214noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-3379424066328474492012-10-01T16:45:54.474-05:002012-10-01T16:45:54.474-05:00I love this!
The query was very vague about her...I love this! <br /><br />The query was very vague about her past. I like emotionally scarred characters, and you heighten the stakes pretty well. And the first 150 totally hooked me. I am so liking her. You got my vote. Saphiranoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-79253833527366368172012-10-01T15:49:40.118-05:002012-10-01T15:49:40.118-05:00Very good concept here. Steven seems like a real b...Very good concept here. Steven seems like a real bad boy and Charlotte seems like a real tough cookie! Strong heroines are awesome and the twist that you threw in with the school concept really makes the story interesting.The Purple Pixienoreply@blogger.com