tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post6839752491465625535..comments2023-10-20T04:44:55.665-05:00Comments on Ink in the Book: HWCAC First Page SampleInk in the Bookhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03117718811407968345noreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-51613922518331923942012-10-18T20:38:23.703-05:002012-10-18T20:38:23.703-05:00Late, as usual! The only issue I can add, everyone...Late, as usual! The only issue I can add, everyone else hit the points I would have made :), as a general rule, when writing in third POV, keep it to ONE POV during a chapter. I've had feedback from agents and editors thrashing me for the same thing - even a short one change. If you need to leave it in, this is YOUR work!, ensure you have a transitional sentence. The "***" doesn't work well and can jolt a few readers out of the world you are creating. <br /><br />Overall? I love it, the voice is good and you have a great talent for world building - which I have serious envy!T.J.https://www.blogger.com/profile/11719361269817168474noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-45176100821559167712012-10-18T18:23:39.703-05:002012-10-18T18:23:39.703-05:00I thought about what you said. Honestly, I don'...I thought about what you said. Honestly, I don't think that it matters that it starts with River's point of view considering she is a main part of your story. Your query gives the overall storyline. You may want to add that it is written in two different points of views ...but adding that may be a question for someone who is more experienced with accepting queries. You have a strong start...I think starting it with those two paragraphs doesn't do anything for the reader. If they are really important, you could add the information somewhere else whenever it clicks to Ashton's POV. Courtney Worth Younghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11572002724412657956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-72999118980687454062012-10-18T15:05:27.633-05:002012-10-18T15:05:27.633-05:00Thanks! I'm off to read...Thanks! I'm off to read...Ink in the Bookhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03117718811407968345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-80367273782964039132012-10-18T14:59:01.692-05:002012-10-18T14:59:01.692-05:00I posted a few questions for you on my blog but I ...I posted a few questions for you on my blog but I don't know if you get updates for whenever someone replies on their own page:) Courtney Worth Younghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11572002724412657956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-46773848421638509332012-10-18T14:35:04.888-05:002012-10-18T14:35:04.888-05:00But my query is from Ashtons' POV.But my query is from Ashtons' POV.Ink in the Bookhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03117718811407968345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-15683863749820817492012-10-18T14:34:42.669-05:002012-10-18T14:34:42.669-05:00Also... Make this one sentence:
No one knew it ex...Also... Make this one sentence:<br /><br />No one knew it existed, except the Theif Takers. <br /><br />Breaking it in between isn't neccessary. Courtney Worth Younghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11572002724412657956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-43685877627114371592012-10-18T14:32:47.273-05:002012-10-18T14:32:47.273-05:00Internal! Sorry...typing on my iPhone! Lol!Internal! Sorry...typing on my iPhone! Lol!Courtney Worth Younghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11572002724412657956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-87278414825913188392012-10-18T14:31:22.090-05:002012-10-18T14:31:22.090-05:00I think the different view in italics at the begin...I think the different view in italics at the beginning should be completely cut and added in later. Start it with the sentence "River tore..."<br /><br />Changing POV so quickly throws the reader out of the story. I've heard it's best to change by chapters but I think that may be a writer/reader preference thing.<br /><br />The talking outloud thing is silly! Italicize it and make it internet dialogue! <br /><br />Other things that I saw were previously mentioned so I will just state, as always, you've been given some great advice! Rachel and Storymuliverse covered the things I was going to say. Courtney Worth Younghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11572002724412657956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-75808189403073610992012-10-17T23:11:28.293-05:002012-10-17T23:11:28.293-05:00Thank you Morgan. And thanks for stopping by!Thank you Morgan. And thanks for stopping by!Ink in the Bookhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03117718811407968345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-50781922644898032862012-10-17T23:11:03.845-05:002012-10-17T23:11:03.845-05:00River does talk to herself. A lot. She's very ...River does talk to herself. A lot. She's very thoughtful and rational. A couple of people have mentioned this, though, so I'm not for sure what I want to do about it. Talking to herself is a huge part of her character. It even gets in her in some big trouble when her talking goes from silent to out loud later on in the book.Ink in the Bookhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03117718811407968345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-86324839452354177462012-10-17T23:08:40.733-05:002012-10-17T23:08:40.733-05:00Thank you Mara! I really did have it in italics be...Thank you Mara! I really did have it in italics before I posted here, but because of my little prologue with Ashton, I changed it. Ink in the Bookhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03117718811407968345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-73666653979800949742012-10-17T23:06:25.547-05:002012-10-17T23:06:25.547-05:00Thank you Connie! I appreciate your thoughts!Thank you Connie! I appreciate your thoughts!Ink in the Bookhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03117718811407968345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-18708723280575639792012-10-17T23:06:00.974-05:002012-10-17T23:06:00.974-05:00No, she didn't leave her body, there was someo...No, she didn't leave her body, there was someone else there....dum, dumdum, dum duuuum....the plot thickens from the get go. mawhahahah!Ink in the Bookhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03117718811407968345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-79776657375175843482012-10-17T17:10:42.353-05:002012-10-17T17:10:42.353-05:00I see I am coming in late to this discussion and I...I see I am coming in late to this discussion and I think the areas that I had questions and concerns have already been mentioned and I don't want to be redundant. I love it so far...just needs a few tweaks. :) Conniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06167089616020654799noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-41558687718538183692012-10-17T14:53:40.760-05:002012-10-17T14:53:40.760-05:00Talynn:
I agree, choose one mission or assignme...Talynn:<br /><br /> I agree, choose one mission or assignment.<br /> I was a little confused by this sentence: "She looked as though she was about to fly the coop, leaving behind a dead body crumpled on the ground." She can leave her body?<br /> Here I would put a period after shakes. "shakes in her hands."<br /> "she strained her ears for any noise" I would rephrase. maybe leave out 'her ears'.<br /> Okay, I'm no expert, obviously. I like your piece, but a little tightening maybe? Lots of good advice, take a deep breath, sleep on it and re-post. I did, I think mine is better for it.Yolanda Renéehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09085436784133103221noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-86551993848432842762012-10-16T18:16:52.863-05:002012-10-16T18:16:52.863-05:00You DEFINITELY have talent. A lot of great stuff i...You DEFINITELY have talent. A lot of great stuff in here. And great tension. Thanks so much for sharing! This was fun. :) Morganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15747144518868320969noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-73317521959803490652012-10-16T15:47:10.930-05:002012-10-16T15:47:10.930-05:00Hey, Talynn! I think you do a great job dropping u...Hey, Talynn! I think you do a great job dropping us right into the action. I have a few minor suggestions, take them for what you will!<br /><br />1. "Mission assignment" is redundant. You can probably just say "assignment."<br /><br />2. "“How did they find me? Oh God! I have to get out of here. But where can I go?” " Personally, I'm not a huge fan of characters talking to themselves, unless that's a habit of theirs, and even then, in a high-pressure situation like this where she feels hunted, she probably wouldn't stop to talk to herself. I think you can take it out and the first page still reads fine to me. <br /><br />3. "Barged" strikes me as a bit off. I don't think you can barge into your own home. <br /><br />4. "One harsh movement could send it crashing to the floor." Probably unnecessary, and slightly confusing, because "harsh movement" is a phrase usually associated with people/animals. I think the "teetering" sentence gets across the image you want, making the "harsh movement" sentence redundant. <br /><br />Overall, a very well done first page. I would read on to find out more.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-77764790539722243942012-10-16T14:57:35.080-05:002012-10-16T14:57:35.080-05:00I'm so different. I'll critique novels all...I'm so different. I'll critique novels all day long, but I can be very nit-picky. ^_^<br /><br />Queries ... now queries I've only a tenuous grasp of.Aldrea Alienhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05652344290376563676noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-47307766031912644362012-10-16T14:44:23.452-05:002012-10-16T14:44:23.452-05:00I can critique queries all day long, but I am sooo...I can critique queries all day long, but I am sooo wary of critiquing the actual book. (I'd make a terrible crit partner) I would agree that the bit where she is talking to herself threw me. It might work better as internal dialogue as she is collecting herself. Other than that, I love the voice and I love the tension! Great opening!Mara Valderranhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04718957990733048214noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-9990942726779108862012-10-16T13:50:52.658-05:002012-10-16T13:50:52.658-05:00Ha! You understood more than you realize. Thief Ta...Ha! You understood more than you realize. Thief Takers are after River for a very good reason...:)Ink in the Bookhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03117718811407968345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-42239261679027158432012-10-16T13:45:49.779-05:002012-10-16T13:45:49.779-05:00Then it's perfect! I realize that this is a p...Then it's perfect! I realize that this is a portion of your work and the name might be expounded on later...and as always, it is your work...just passing along where my understanding lacked or my reader's needs weren't met. :o)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17064990883097071040noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-57782233478327047152012-10-16T13:07:36.831-05:002012-10-16T13:07:36.831-05:00Oh, and yes, his amethyst eyes are very important ...Oh, and yes, his amethyst eyes are very important to mention. His eyes are mood ring eyes and change colors with his mood...this is explained later on in the book!Ink in the Bookhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03117718811407968345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-30677542518019171022012-10-16T13:06:47.539-05:002012-10-16T13:06:47.539-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.Ink in the Bookhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03117718811407968345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-39740986027284706102012-10-16T13:03:25.410-05:002012-10-16T13:03:25.410-05:00Oh, and yes, Thief Takers are EXACTLY what the nam...Oh, and yes, Thief Takers are EXACTLY what the names implies, they kidnap other thieves.Ink in the Bookhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03117718811407968345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-86966144488052871172012-10-16T12:33:02.860-05:002012-10-16T12:33:02.860-05:00I didn't think that was brutal at all! Valuab...I didn't think that was brutal at all! Valuable input and spot-on. I may look you up, Rachel, when I need that second pair of eyes.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17064990883097071040noreply@blogger.com