tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post6287953708229785038..comments2023-10-20T04:44:55.665-05:00Comments on Ink in the Book: GUTGAA Pitch #4 Heirs of WarInk in the Bookhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03117718811407968345noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-54402724355449925082012-10-08T22:52:53.734-05:002012-10-08T22:52:53.734-05:00Thank you to all who commented! I have a new versi...Thank you to all who commented! I have a new version over at my blog (http://maravalderran.blogspot.com) that I feel much better about and it is thanks to all of your help! Also, I've managed to cut my WC down to 137k. =D And last but not least, THANK YOU to The Purple Pixie for your vote! Even though the contest is over, I am still on cloud 9 from that!Mara Valderranhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04718957990733048214noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-10293458826705418612012-10-04T08:50:33.398-05:002012-10-04T08:50:33.398-05:00Though your story is a bit long I do believe you r...Though your story is a bit long I do believe you really have something here. I really enjoyed your first 150, but I am wondering about the character POV. Why is this character not in the query? Other than that I think you have something amazing here! You've got my vote!The Purple Pixienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-23211003885065228542012-10-02T15:24:47.362-05:002012-10-02T15:24:47.362-05:00I'm leaving comments and then returning to mak...I'm leaving comments and then returning to make my votes.<br /><br />First off, I would try and lead off the query with the mc's name and not stick that important information at the end. Something like: Zelene sees prophecies as no different from horoscopes in the back of Cosmo. Then maybe cut the listing of prophecies that went bust and focus on the book.<br /><br />Right now your query doesn't show me how the war impacts Zelene. Why does she want to stop it? What bad thing has the war done to her? This is her motivation. We need her motivation and the stakes (what's stopping her from getting what she wants?) to make the query work.<br /><br />I like the idea from your First 150 that the sister is a little spoiled or maybe troubled and will have to grow out of that as the story unfolds. That said, the First 150 needs to be tightened. There's lots of filtering (he noticed, he knew, he understood) and unnecessary words.<br /><br />It sounds like you will have an amazing story when you concentrate the query on what Zelene wants and how she can get it. Goldilocksnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-4121519520938211262012-10-02T14:14:55.400-05:002012-10-02T14:14:55.400-05:00red--? No I am not looking to red-ink this. Sorry....red--? No I am not looking to red-ink this. Sorry. Finger-fludge. "READ" of course. K. L. Hallamhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05672153195378644215noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-69663943336520928082012-10-02T14:13:48.369-05:002012-10-02T14:13:48.369-05:00I would really like to red this. The stadium scene...I would really like to red this. The stadium scene lifted from the block letters. I could feel the air. Guess, it would be better to put the first character into the query. <br />Actually what helped me a great deal, was the advice of using only the first 30 pages to write the query. The MC, another character and the inciting incident, and that's it. Clear, short, hooked, and read. Best luck with this. I'll be looking for it. :)K. L. Hallamhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05672153195378644215noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-88360020829436697642012-10-02T13:59:15.211-05:002012-10-02T13:59:15.211-05:00This is an interesting twist on a ‘prophecy’ tale....This is an interesting twist on a ‘prophecy’ tale. I feel like you could make me go ‘wow’ if you had more details and less words (if that makes sense… ha). While the first paragraph gives us info on character, most of it is either irrelevant or you’re telling us what she doesn’t know. We want to know what she does know and what is happening to her. The query really starts from the second paragraph. I would make sure you very clearly state the prophecy; I’m still not totally sure what it says they must do. And then focus on her twin sister.<br /><br />With the first 150 words, I am immediately confused because it opens with a character never mentioned in the query. Is this told in alternating POV? Or is this a prolog? I do like you’re writing in this section. I feel like I’m at this game with him. So the writing is there. I’m just confused as to why we’re in his head.<br /><br />Overall, the query needs to be cleaned up a bit so we clearly understand the character, conflict and stakes. I think if you focus on that in the query you have a very good story to sell here.Im Just Sayinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-2556850787434791992012-10-02T00:22:55.447-05:002012-10-02T00:22:55.447-05:00Aside from what others have said, I don't have...Aside from what others have said, I don't have any other real critique. Yes, the story has a whole lot of words and sure, maybe your query could be shortened. I know, especially after reading your synopsis, that it's a million times easier said than done. <br />I think this sounds like an awesome story. I already like Zelene and there's a ton of voice in both your query and 150. I agree that the first page did a great job at grounding the reader to place and time.<br /><br />From what I remember of your previous draft, this is definitely a great improvement! I'd definitely read this book. :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09044517745312922540noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-43686342163813059632012-10-01T22:19:17.218-05:002012-10-01T22:19:17.218-05:00I think a book of that length is going to be a tou...I think a book of that length is going to be a tough sell, even though I personally prefer longer books. Also, you will need to convince literary professionals that all those words are necessary, and I think your query needs to be much sharper to achieve that aim.<br /><br />The second paragraph in particular has a couple of examples of passive voice that could be sharpened and shortened.<br /><br />Best of luck with it.David Harrisonhttp://www.davidharrisononline.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-42853007228735250722012-10-01T21:54:43.842-05:002012-10-01T21:54:43.842-05:00I'll tell you the same thing I told someone el...I'll tell you the same thing I told someone else. It was also told to me. Start with five main plot points and go from there. Be specific and only hit what's important. Only add what you need to clarify and leave it at that. It's a good exercise even if you don't come out with a perfect query. Make sure those points span your entire work. Most world building books have queries heavy in back story. <br /><br />GOOD LUCK!!!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-76854978491287039582012-10-01T21:44:22.065-05:002012-10-01T21:44:22.065-05:00I think you could tighten your query by taking out...I think you could tighten your query by taking out most of the second paragraph. There are a couple of plot points mentioned in your query, maybe pick one and focus on that to really draw the reader in. <br /><br />First 150: Where is Zelene and who is Varrick? If he's going to start off your story, I'd put him in the query. <br /><br />Good luck!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17876772923733290496noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5261136679185070760.post-71155731687979065272012-10-01T16:58:36.098-05:002012-10-01T16:58:36.098-05:00Hm...I do love a good fantasy story. There are few...Hm...I do love a good fantasy story. There are few things that caught my attention. First, 146K words is petty hefty. I'm sure you heard that before. Not a deal breaker, but something to think about. The query, for me, read very vague. War is the only thing we are sure about. It was pretty hard for me to sympathize with Zelene when all she thought about after her sister's disappearance was about how it could've been her. I'm also wondering...what powers? I'd try to be very specific in the query to draw in readers. The snippet was pretty good. It grounded me to place and time. Saphiranoreply@blogger.com